There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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