Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
