I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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