I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
