Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
