Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
