this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
