I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
