she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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