he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
