mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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