dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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