I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well I just put wine in my tea
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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