Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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