i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
