last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
