Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
where does the pee come out of this thing
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
