i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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