My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
