So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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