Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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