This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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