I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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