I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
