moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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