no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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