3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
