You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
