I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
