i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The air taste purple.
Randomize
