you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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