Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
