The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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