did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
