I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize