so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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