So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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