I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
