how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
