There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
