i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
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I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
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You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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