NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
