If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
