ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My cat gives me a boner
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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