Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
