All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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