the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
