He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
