if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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