Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
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just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
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no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.