I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
tell me about the fingering
Two words: nipple clamps
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