dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
