I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
