remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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